Slate Plus members get extra Care and Feeding each week. Have a query about children, parenting, or household life? Submit it right here!
Expensive Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old daughter “Molly” is fairly anxious and has a troublesome time making mates, so she’s actually near the chums she does have.
One in all her mates, “Tim,” has been battling most cancers. He’s taken a depart of absence this 12 months to bear remedy because of the period of time he’d must be out of college. He’s anticipating to be completed with remedy by the beginning of the summer season, and he has tutors to assist him keep on course for persevering with college subsequent 12 months. My spouse and I are very pleased with how thoughtful and compassionate Molly has been with Tim. Molly has been crying rather a lot and been typically very emotional at house however is at all times there for Tim when he wants it and tries to not let a number of her worries present. We’ve gotten calls a number of instances from Tim’s mother simply to inform me how fantastic Molly is and the way joyful she is that Molly and Tim are mates.
Nonetheless, I feel she’s going a bit too far. Molly’s grades are slipping dramatically—to the place she’s prone to failing French and algebra—as a result of she’s spending sure class durations on her telephone the entire time texting Tim, or she isn’t getting any schoolwork completed as a result of she’s spending the afternoons along with her different mates within the hospital or at Tim’s home visiting him or simply Facetiming him. I need to restrict Molly’s visits in order that she’ll have time to deal with her schoolwork, however my spouse thinks that’s merciless. We’ve talked to Molly about preserving her grades up, however she simply dismisses us. I feel, having recognized Tim for some years now, that Tim is a superb child, very considerate and type, and if he knew that Molly was throwing away her schooling to spend time with him, he’d be upset too. We’ve tried that angle with Molly as effectively; it hasn’t labored, and I don’t need to intrude in my daughter’s friendships in that approach. How can we assist Molly by supporting her good friend whereas ensuring she prioritizes herself?
—Hate to Be the Unhealthy Man, However…
Expensive Hate to Be the Unhealthy Man,
I feel there are a number of various things you are able to do to string this needle. The primary is to name the varsity and see what choices Molly has if she does certainly fail these lessons (summer season college, unbiased examine, and so on.) and whether or not there could be any extenuating circumstances they’d contemplate granting her. The second is to have a heart-to-heart with Tim’s mother the place you affirm unequivocally that you really want Molly to maintain supporting Tim by his remedy however that you just’re going to attempt just a little course correction with Molly relating to college, and also you don’t need Tim to be damage or confused. Tread fastidiously right here—Tim’s issues are approach greater than algebra and also you don’t need to give the mistaken impression, however you’ll be able to be taught rather a lot from Tim’s mother about what Tim wants and how one can alter Molly’s time in a approach that isn’t detrimental. Hold these conversations to your self—it may backfire if Molly feels you went behind her again on a fact-finding mission. That is only a approach so that you can be extra knowledgeable.
The Kate Middleton State of affairs Was out of Management. Then the Royals Made a Massively Silly Mistake.
Kate Middleton Is Making Boyfriends and Husbands Do One thing Unusual
I Believed in a Honest Division of Family Labor. Till My Companion and I Tried to Make It Work.
The place Did the Royals Go So Flawed With Kate Middleton? It’s Been Years within the Making.
Then contain Molly in a collaborative dialog about how one can transfer ahead. The guide 14 Talks by Age 14 supplies an excellent formulation you’ll be able to comply with. On this dialog, underscore that Tim is allowed to be Molly’s precedence, however to not the detriment of the whole lot else. Additionally emphasize that you just don’t want her to be on the dignity roll—you simply want her to go her lessons. The 14 Talks formulation will information you thru a dialog fashion the place she will recommend methods to handle the issue, and also you reply, ultimately attending to a spot the place you attain a consensus.
Numerous this actually isn’t about algebra in any respect; it’s about serving to Molly be taught to make selections that align with each her morals and her wants. How can she present up for a good friend in a time of want whereas nonetheless taking good care of herself? It’s a state of affairs she’s going to face many instances in her grownup life. When you and she will maintain that purpose in thoughts, I hope you’ll discover a path ahead that everybody is comfy with. Good luck to you all and to Tim.
—Allison
Extra Recommendation From Slate
My accomplice and I are mother and father to a delicate, intelligent, and really extroverted 6-year-old. She has the occasional sleepover along with her godparents, Steve and Linda. They’re two childless mates of ours who adore and love our daughter very a lot. Our daughter at all times appears to have a improbable time. I’m grateful that they’re sharing their time along with her, as my accomplice and I don’t come from giant households and our daughter doesn’t have any native grandparents.